I’ve had dozens of friendships in my life, surrounded by so many voices and faces, yet some days I’ve felt like the loneliest person in the room.
I used to be so angry at my friends, especially the ones I considered family. It always seemed unfair that I could do and give anything for these people, but the effort never seemed reciprocated, especially when I needed someone to just see me and listen to me. For the longest time, I struggled with this feeling, and what made it worse was the fact that I am not the most vocal about how I feel. I avoid confrontations as much as possible, especially if it means emotional vulnerability.
However, growing up made me realise I was doing myself and my friends a disservice. I expected them to take one look at me and decipher the hurt or burden I was nursing. I wanted them to save me and throw me a lifeline when I wasn’t even waving my hands or giving them the signals. I genuinely think it is selfish to put such expectations on people without giving them hints that those exist. How will they know where it hurts if every time they come close, you back away and if anytime they press harder, you just smile instead of flinching?
I could not take pride in my lack of vulnerability, then feel bad when people don’t expect it from me or try to get it out of me. Sincerely, it is kind of egotistical to want people to just keep trying when you know deep down that you’re not gonna bulge. You just want the satisfaction of having people run after you, trying to cater to your emotional needs when in reality, you know you won’t allow them to be there for you. Don’t get me wrong o, there are people who genuinely just want the affirmation that people care, and their friends are there for them, but the problem is, when they do turn up for you, do you have the humility to let them be what you want them to be?
The biggest thing I have learnt this year is to transfer the unreasonable expectations I always had of my friends and channel them towards myself and my God. I realised that my friends were not the cause of my emotional distance. That was something I had to unlearn on my own. It was never fair to expect them to heal something they couldn’t even see. Something that was mine and my God to heal. I have also learnt to communicate with them.
The first step I took was to streamline and compartmentalise my harem of friends. It’s so easy to get lost in a crowd, and easier to find your way with a few but similar-minded people. I knew I could not fully trust an acquaintance or colleague with my 100% vulnerability, but somehow, I had expectations of them that they could never meet in a million years, and that just led to me feeling hurt and unseen while also pushing them away and leaving them clueless as to what was going on.
Crafting my little friendship groups has been such a blessing. I know my people that I might not speak to for months, but when we do, it’s plain vibes and no hard feelings because we don’t need or expect the intricate daily details of each other’s lives. Give me the summary, we’ll celebrate the wins and lament on the losses, then meet again, same time next month lol.
I have friends who aren’t the closest, but we’ve just got that deep connection, so no matter how life gets, we just know we have each other’s backs. Hit me up out of the blue, and I’ll turn up for you and vice versa. A lot of my university friends are in this category. We can be silent for months, and I’ll wake up to a long message of all the hurt and shit they are going through, and we just talk, lift each other, and go back to living our lives. They’ll always be in the loop of my major decisions, even if they aren’t present for the everyday madness and vice versa.
Then I have my little circle. The ones I randomly call or text 10 times a day-from the moment I watch a funny movie to the random fine guy I see while I’m walking my dog. Those are the ones I’ll call in the middle of my tears. Not after the fact, but while it’s happening. They have front row seats to my everyday breakdowns and laments, and I have never felt so emotionally light.
Communication has also been a huge and difficult step for me. Learning to speak up about what hurts or makes me feel uneasy has been a feat. But I realised that keeping quiet meant I was stuck with the voices in my head overcomplicating the issue when I could speak to the other party and know exactly what their intentions were. Why come up with the worst answers and possible scenarios when I can ask and get the needed clarifications?
The expectation to have these people act as my messiah is completely gone. After all, they are humans. My only messiah and heart fixer is my God. But oh lord, to have people you can be completely vulnerable and open with is such a blessing I never take for granted. This is a new season for me, and I’m loving every bit of it. Friendships are a blessing, and we should treat them as such. It isn’t about finding people who can read your mind; it’s about finding people you trust enough to let in and experience every part- the good, bad, pretty, and not-so-pretty.
Let’s talk all things Friendships, guys!. I hope you had a wonderful read. But don’t stop there, go on right now and start your journey towards healthier friendships and liberating yourself and others from unattainable expectations only God can heal and meet.
Always remember, on those lonely days, your online family is here for you. Never feel shy to reach out to us here-https://www.justhummingbird.com/contact-me/ or here-https://stats.sender.net/forms/e7ly1a/view