I stood perplexed, angry and flushed from embarrassment in between my friends and the host of schoolmates that had flocked around to see what was happening and probably to see if they could help ‘resolve’ the issue. While both of my friends ranted and insulted me at the top of their voices, all I could think of at that point was how I’d survive school without an ally. With the kind of after school flock that gathered around you would think I had committed some grievous crime that couldn’t be forgiven, all I had done was ask my friend whether the rumor about my other friends’ mom and dad being Christian and Moslem respectively, was true. Now that I think of this, it feels really ridiculous but at the time it was a very big deal.
I was in the middle of what I would call a hysteric crowd; my backstabber/betrayer friend who told on me and lied that I had spread the rumor, the other angry friend who sought to hack off my head with her harsh words and a belligerent crowd who were now evidently on the side of my friends. After failing woefully at explaining myself and winning the crowd over to my side, I walked home alone that day tearfully, feeling betrayed, angry and friendless. I had expected more from my friend, little as I was then I felt that she owed me loyalty. I didn’t expect her to divulge what I had told her in confidence and most especially not exaggerate it and lie just to get in the good graces of our other friend. This was nine-year-old me facing what I would refer to as my first significant relationship crisis.
Maybe it was my curiosity that sold me out or the fact that I had failed to directly confront my friend about the rumor that made it seem like I was gossiping and spreading rumors about her. Maybe I was wrong but I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand why someone I trusted to be a friend and to have my back would treat me in such a manner. That day I learnt one valuable lesson, that I would later in my life come to appreciate-never to expect so much from people. Though with more than one friendship crisis and this lesson constantly nagging at the back of my mind through the course of my life, I didn’t stop having friends or giving them a reasonable extent of trust and unquestionable loyalty, although admittedly, it took a little getting used to.
I have a friend who says life is all about taking blind leaps of faith and trusting the process, and I couldn’t agree more. There’s a risk inherent in opening up to people, learning to trust them, leaning on them and relying on them for emotional, physical and mental support. This means that you are going to start to need and depend on that person, and that person will become your ultimate go-to, someone you expect to always be there and always have your back. But there is also a tendency to develop an unreasonable sense of expectation towards your friend that almost always has two roads and one destination; a sense of entitlement and overdependence which ultimately leads to disappointment and or disillusionment.
One of the things that keeps friendship or any kind of relationship is not lowering your expectations per se, but giving it a reality check. Can I reciprocate what I expect from this person? Am I being inconsiderate? Am I starting to feel too entitled? Am I asking for too much and putting pressure on the other person in the process? Do I or do I not actually deserve what I think I deserve? Getting too entitled is something most, if not all, of us are prone to, this is because oftentimes, it happens subconsciously as a result of having to depend greatly on somebody.
The painful truth is, while there is some naturally imposed responsibility people in any relationship owe to each other, there is nothing except a sense of morality that binds them to adhere to that imposed responsibility. So simply put, nobody actually owes us anything. It is this sense of morality that is responsible for a person’s response or attitude in a relationship, (some have it a little less than others do) and that also can wane with time.
In essence, dearies, put your expectations in check by finding a middle ground; don’t short-change yourself because you’re trying to be too careful and in the same way don’t destroy what you have with someone by feeling too entitled. With a sense of entitlement, you can never leave a relationship unscathed. As Dr. Steve Maraboli rightly said, “A sense of entitlement is a cancerous thought process that is void of gratitude and can be deadly to our relationship”.
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