Dear Hummingbird,
I’m embarrassed to face God.
You can’t imagine the shame I’m feeling right now as I type this message. But I know I have to say something to someone before the guilt eats me up. So, where else to air my dirty laundry than an anonymous blog lol.
I have always been a child of God, even though right now I feel more like the prodigal son. I am that guy who has always genuinely loved to be in the church. I grew up as a pastor’s kid, and people of God have always surrounded me. I woke up to the bible study and slept after more bible study. So, you can imagine just how sound I am in the things of God.
I know most people who grow up in church tend to see these things as dutiful and can’t wait to leave home, but I was just so happy to be in church. I loved the sense of community I had. I never felt alone, and I am always going to be grateful for that.
I’m giving you this background so you can understand just why my disappointment is top tier. I think I have been so caught up in the idea of how sound I am in Christ that I never took note of some character traits in my life that were slowly creeping in and taking root.
It all started the day I lost my temper and slapped my friend before even realising I had done that. He had confronted me about some traits he had been noticing and warned me to be careful. Me? Anger? I couldn’t believe that I was even capable of raising my voice. My friend was so sad, but I just could not apologise. A part of me felt small and in comparison, to my friend, I am more seasoned in Christ; in fact, I was the one who led him to Christ, so how could he be correcting me and even quoting scripture to me?
Little did I know that pride had also found its place in my heart. The back-to-back realisation was so much for me that I felt the need to take a step back from everything. I haven’t gone to church in a while. Prayer, meditation, and all seem so tasking right now. A part of me cannot just accept the fact that I am just as human as the next person. To witness my own flesh at work has been too much for me, and I don’t know if I have it in me to even face God with such imperfections.
Yes, I know that God wants me to come as I am, but you have to understand, ever since I was young, I have been nicknamed Apostle Paul. I started speaking in tongues before kids my age in church. I was the youngest member of the Sunday school committee, teaching a class of people older than me. I was so sure I had conquered flesh, and little sins like these could not be found in me.
I’m ashamed to talk to my dad, I’m embarrassed to face God, it has been such a long time since the slap happened that it feels stupid to even apologise to my friend now. We have not spoken since the incident.
I don’t know why I am writing this. It’s not really the advice I want. I guess I just figured saying these things out would make me feel lighter. Maybe it is time to admit out loud that I am not without reproach, as I thought. Let’s hope it works.
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